Friday, January 02, 2009
i was sitting in the shower this morning with my arms wrapped around my legs and i could feel the heavy water dripping from my eyelashes and tears dripping from my eyes. i could not differentiate the two as they fell but i guess it didnt really matter as they were both headed to the same place.
the loss of such a prolific figure has gouged a human size hole in me. some days its barely noticeable. others (such as today) i feel like i am standing in the middle of a hurricane with no skin. the novelty of being able to write about this experience will maybe wear off but for now, its all ive got.
my mind has been a boundless cluster fuck of thoughts and images. my father took his last breath while i was holding him and THAT is the memory that haunts me. i am hoping that time will settle the muddied waters so that one day i can see crystal clear thoughts of the man that was my father for 57 years and not the sick and fragile man that he became.
its easier to cope when you feel nothing and for the past three years that is how i have survived and now i must try to find comfort in my own existence. there is NO comfort that can be found in death. not even the solace that my dad is no longer suffering because that is nothing but some bullshit we tell ourselves to make it easier to get out of bed in the morning. so what i deal with is anger and remorse and more anger and sadness. and then i breathe. i breathe a slow and constant breath because at the very least the death is behind us.
the loss of such a prolific figure has gouged a human size hole in me. some days its barely noticeable. others (such as today) i feel like i am standing in the middle of a hurricane with no skin. the novelty of being able to write about this experience will maybe wear off but for now, its all ive got.
my mind has been a boundless cluster fuck of thoughts and images. my father took his last breath while i was holding him and THAT is the memory that haunts me. i am hoping that time will settle the muddied waters so that one day i can see crystal clear thoughts of the man that was my father for 57 years and not the sick and fragile man that he became.
its easier to cope when you feel nothing and for the past three years that is how i have survived and now i must try to find comfort in my own existence. there is NO comfort that can be found in death. not even the solace that my dad is no longer suffering because that is nothing but some bullshit we tell ourselves to make it easier to get out of bed in the morning. so what i deal with is anger and remorse and more anger and sadness. and then i breathe. i breathe a slow and constant breath because at the very least the death is behind us.
