Wednesday, June 30, 2004
- Johnny K has been telling me for weeks that his boss is on the brink. That he is unstable, possibly even un-medicated bi-polar
- On occassion, Johnny k's boss has been known to fly into a tyrannical rage
- Today he stormed out of the office
- He quit with no notice, no job
- He is the sole bread winner in the family and supports a wife and three children
- After he left he called and informed the company that he had their servers held hostage
- He threatened to wipe them out unless they paid him six months of his salary
- He has a gun. A glock
- Not only does he have a gun but he carries said gun with him
- He is threatening to commit suicide if they call the police
- He also threatened his boss, as well as the President and the President's family
- Needless to say Johnny K is not going into work tomorrow
Since when does this kind of shit happen to us?
- On occassion, Johnny k's boss has been known to fly into a tyrannical rage
- Today he stormed out of the office
- He quit with no notice, no job
- He is the sole bread winner in the family and supports a wife and three children
- After he left he called and informed the company that he had their servers held hostage
- He threatened to wipe them out unless they paid him six months of his salary
- He has a gun. A glock
- Not only does he have a gun but he carries said gun with him
- He is threatening to commit suicide if they call the police
- He also threatened his boss, as well as the President and the President's family
- Needless to say Johnny K is not going into work tomorrow
Since when does this kind of shit happen to us?
At times it seems as though it will never be enough. Almost as though I were a beautiful goddess worshiped by a demanding flock of naysayers and wannabe's. It gets old to come home with ripped clothes, tasseled hair and tired arms from holding them at bay. Sometimes it's just easier to relent rather than to fight the flood.
Attention is a lot like heroine and we tend to thrive on its infectious nature and the artificial power it provides however it is not my bag anymore as I have kicked that bitch in the ass. You may call me an egomaniacal cunt and you may hate me for not hating myself but the fact of the matter is I just don't give a fuck. Sure I have my hang-ups. I am not perfect by any stretch of the means but I certainly feel that the perception I have of myself is realistic and healthy and I do not look to false gods to make it all better. We play games with ourselves and manipulate the shit into something more palatable and we justify the means to makes said shit magically delicious. Don't hate me because I know that I am beautiful or because I know that people adore me. Hate me because I am honest with myself and I can smell bullshit a million miles away. Hate me because I am together enough to know when I am loosing it. Hate me because what I say hits a little too close to home and no matter how hard you twist my words you know I am right.
Attention is a lot like heroine and we tend to thrive on its infectious nature and the artificial power it provides however it is not my bag anymore as I have kicked that bitch in the ass. You may call me an egomaniacal cunt and you may hate me for not hating myself but the fact of the matter is I just don't give a fuck. Sure I have my hang-ups. I am not perfect by any stretch of the means but I certainly feel that the perception I have of myself is realistic and healthy and I do not look to false gods to make it all better. We play games with ourselves and manipulate the shit into something more palatable and we justify the means to makes said shit magically delicious. Don't hate me because I know that I am beautiful or because I know that people adore me. Hate me because I am honest with myself and I can smell bullshit a million miles away. Hate me because I am together enough to know when I am loosing it. Hate me because what I say hits a little too close to home and no matter how hard you twist my words you know I am right.
Friday, June 25, 2004
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT fuck with a girl’s frappachino when she is functioning on four hours sleep – AND she is thirty.
I am no spring chicken and four hours sleep is just not conducive to my wellbeing. I went to the evil coffee empire this morning because one, I love their mocha frappachino’s and two, because they are the only coffee joint that I pass on the way into work. I ordered a grande’, mocha frap, no whip, which of course, they fucked up. Why? Because I am tired and a bit prickly and just leave it to my old pal Murphy to stop by to say hello at the most inopportune times. So anyway, I watched Justin, the drive throughista, spoon the whip off my drink, which of course pissed me off because ignorance is bliss and a woman who fights tooth and nail to look as hot as I do doesn’t want to see a pound of sugary lard being shoveled off her soon to be consumed beverage. YES I KNOW I shouldn’t be drinking the foul swell to begin with but I am a sleepy lil girl who just needed a quick fix. Why is whip the default anyway? Wouldn’t it be more efficient and more cost effective if whip WEREN’T the default? OH MY GOD! I am giddy with exhaustion and I cannot believe that I am sitting here pondering the debate of whip or no whip at seven in the morning. Lordy, it is time to move on.
I came into work soiled with beer, cigarettes and candid discussions of sex, drugs and anal hole maintenance. MAN, I had nearly completed my penance from my last visit with our Achilles' heels and now Beelzebub and I are riding shotgun on the bullet train to Hades. SONOFABITCH!
We watched Psycho underneath the stars with hundreds of screaming queens and midtown hipsters. It was better than lovely and we rocked out to the Led on the way home. Dazed and Confused has GOT to be one of the sexiest songs ever and if there is ever the day that I find myself on stage in nothing but rip away panties, a push up bra, a garter wallet and stiletto heals, you can be rest assured that I will be that sexy mutha fucka shakin that ass, shakin that ass, shakin that ass to that oh so sultry song.
Skinny Puppy is tonight and I will be a more complete woman for it.
Anyway, I'm out. Anal is the new black. "Any chick that can take it in the ass using Irish Spring soap is okay by me" is the best quote ever.
I am no spring chicken and four hours sleep is just not conducive to my wellbeing. I went to the evil coffee empire this morning because one, I love their mocha frappachino’s and two, because they are the only coffee joint that I pass on the way into work. I ordered a grande’, mocha frap, no whip, which of course, they fucked up. Why? Because I am tired and a bit prickly and just leave it to my old pal Murphy to stop by to say hello at the most inopportune times. So anyway, I watched Justin, the drive throughista, spoon the whip off my drink, which of course pissed me off because ignorance is bliss and a woman who fights tooth and nail to look as hot as I do doesn’t want to see a pound of sugary lard being shoveled off her soon to be consumed beverage. YES I KNOW I shouldn’t be drinking the foul swell to begin with but I am a sleepy lil girl who just needed a quick fix. Why is whip the default anyway? Wouldn’t it be more efficient and more cost effective if whip WEREN’T the default? OH MY GOD! I am giddy with exhaustion and I cannot believe that I am sitting here pondering the debate of whip or no whip at seven in the morning. Lordy, it is time to move on.
I came into work soiled with beer, cigarettes and candid discussions of sex, drugs and anal hole maintenance. MAN, I had nearly completed my penance from my last visit with our Achilles' heels and now Beelzebub and I are riding shotgun on the bullet train to Hades. SONOFABITCH!
We watched Psycho underneath the stars with hundreds of screaming queens and midtown hipsters. It was better than lovely and we rocked out to the Led on the way home. Dazed and Confused has GOT to be one of the sexiest songs ever and if there is ever the day that I find myself on stage in nothing but rip away panties, a push up bra, a garter wallet and stiletto heals, you can be rest assured that I will be that sexy mutha fucka shakin that ass, shakin that ass, shakin that ass to that oh so sultry song.
Skinny Puppy is tonight and I will be a more complete woman for it.
Anyway, I'm out. Anal is the new black. "Any chick that can take it in the ass using Irish Spring soap is okay by me" is the best quote ever.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
They're here!!!!
And I dont mean the ass probing aliens are here, although I am quite certain they ARE ass probers, I know they aint aliens. I lurve me pals.
And I dont mean the ass probing aliens are here, although I am quite certain they ARE ass probers, I know they aint aliens. I lurve me pals.
I would like to introduce you to my new boyfriend. I love him with my whole heart and we will make a lovely couple. GOD HE DRIVES ME MAD INSANE!!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
~ If I could, I would search high and low for new music to add to my collection of, things I want but cannot afford, because that list isnt already as long as Collin Farrells schlong.
~ I wake up between five and five thirty but really somewhere closer to six and by ten o'clock pm, I am beat tired. By ten fifteen I am pinching myself in an effort to stay awake so I can feel as though I had at least a few moments that resembled some personal time. In a two hour period I have to work on my website, read, fuck my husband, watch my stories, finish the laundry, and find exciting new material so that my life doesn't become a stale piece of white bread. Oh and I should work on my photography but we all know THAT isn't going to happen, which sucks. Oh and, DAMN YOU Claire Fisher and your art school lesbian friends. I hate it when a television show makes me evaluate my life. It makes the reality of the truth all the more bitter.
I am an all or nothing kind of gal. When I can't accomplish everything I get discouraged and my get up and go, gets up and leaves. Sure, it's a spoiled brat mentality to completely shut down if I don't get my way but I have been operating this way for decades and declaring a coup on a prevalent aspect of your personality is a difficult thing to do.
~ Airfare to New York has bottomed out and is taunting me at $103 round trip. Those fucking bastards. I'll show you my boobs if you buy me a ticket.
~ This morning when I got into the car, I Wanna Be Sedated was on the radio. It immediately took me back to when Rayanne joined Jordans band in an effort to get closer to Angela. The band just could'nt seem to get it together at practice and were completely unprepared for their first performance. It was the first song of their first gig and Rayanne totally froze. Luckily, Jordan and his untamed hair and brooding personality totally saved the day by stepping up to belt out the Ramones classic after Rayanne ran off stage in a fit of embarrassment and fear. If only Angela had been there. And poor Ricky worrying his eye lined little heart out. It must be difficult being the gay, homeless, best friend of a recovering addict. I wish I could hug them all.
~ I wake up between five and five thirty but really somewhere closer to six and by ten o'clock pm, I am beat tired. By ten fifteen I am pinching myself in an effort to stay awake so I can feel as though I had at least a few moments that resembled some personal time. In a two hour period I have to work on my website, read, fuck my husband, watch my stories, finish the laundry, and find exciting new material so that my life doesn't become a stale piece of white bread. Oh and I should work on my photography but we all know THAT isn't going to happen, which sucks. Oh and, DAMN YOU Claire Fisher and your art school lesbian friends. I hate it when a television show makes me evaluate my life. It makes the reality of the truth all the more bitter.
I am an all or nothing kind of gal. When I can't accomplish everything I get discouraged and my get up and go, gets up and leaves. Sure, it's a spoiled brat mentality to completely shut down if I don't get my way but I have been operating this way for decades and declaring a coup on a prevalent aspect of your personality is a difficult thing to do.
~ Airfare to New York has bottomed out and is taunting me at $103 round trip. Those fucking bastards. I'll show you my boobs if you buy me a ticket.
~ This morning when I got into the car, I Wanna Be Sedated was on the radio. It immediately took me back to when Rayanne joined Jordans band in an effort to get closer to Angela. The band just could'nt seem to get it together at practice and were completely unprepared for their first performance. It was the first song of their first gig and Rayanne totally froze. Luckily, Jordan and his untamed hair and brooding personality totally saved the day by stepping up to belt out the Ramones classic after Rayanne ran off stage in a fit of embarrassment and fear. If only Angela had been there. And poor Ricky worrying his eye lined little heart out. It must be difficult being the gay, homeless, best friend of a recovering addict. I wish I could hug them all.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Excuse me Mr. Insurance Agent. I am sorry I ripped your asshole a companion but apparently my mental capacity and my emotional state went out to lunch today and have not yet returned. Please forgive me. I feel like an ass.
So now, after leaving behind my fuck off and die attitude I am rapidly careening into, dog food commercials make me cry, gloominess.
Even though they fucked up and forgot to tell me an important piece of information regarding my auto insurance policy, I still apologized for attacking him. It was a mistake and I will not suffer any consequences due to the misinformation. He wasn't even the one who was handling the issue and it wasn't fair that he fell victim to my PMS. It's my issue and I don't necessarily want to be the cause of someone else's piss and vinegar because I can't seem to contain my foul mood. Still, I HATE being wrong.
Fuck! Does this mean I am growing up?
So now, after leaving behind my fuck off and die attitude I am rapidly careening into, dog food commercials make me cry, gloominess.
Even though they fucked up and forgot to tell me an important piece of information regarding my auto insurance policy, I still apologized for attacking him. It was a mistake and I will not suffer any consequences due to the misinformation. He wasn't even the one who was handling the issue and it wasn't fair that he fell victim to my PMS. It's my issue and I don't necessarily want to be the cause of someone else's piss and vinegar because I can't seem to contain my foul mood. Still, I HATE being wrong.
Fuck! Does this mean I am growing up?
…and then she woke up
When you have been with somebody as long as Johnny K and I have been together AND have suffered through a terribly vicious relationship, the things that would historically send you into a blind white rage seem kind of silly and insignificant now and honestly, it makes it kind of hard to care when the other person “has an issue”. Perhaps the use of the word “care” is a bit icy sounding but I cannot find another word to fit my perspective. After nine years of marriage you either learn to live with the not so attractive aspects of your significant others personality or you end up married, miserable, and yearning for the things that could not be and devising schemes to reconstruct that, “when we first met” feeling with tall, dark, and handsome who works on the sixth floor in Research and Development. It’s a fight or flight mentality and it is so completely necessary to survive.
When you have been with somebody as long as Johnny K and I have been together AND have suffered through a terribly vicious relationship, the things that would historically send you into a blind white rage seem kind of silly and insignificant now and honestly, it makes it kind of hard to care when the other person “has an issue”. Perhaps the use of the word “care” is a bit icy sounding but I cannot find another word to fit my perspective. After nine years of marriage you either learn to live with the not so attractive aspects of your significant others personality or you end up married, miserable, and yearning for the things that could not be and devising schemes to reconstruct that, “when we first met” feeling with tall, dark, and handsome who works on the sixth floor in Research and Development. It’s a fight or flight mentality and it is so completely necessary to survive.
Monday, June 21, 2004
sick and tired. SICK AND FUCKING TIRED. Words are about to be had. Issues are about to be made and tears are about to be shed. I have had it up to my fucking hair follicles and the born again bitch is about to make an appearance.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
How many times can you shove a banana in your asshole before it falls apart? I imagine we will learn the answer the same time we find out "why".
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
divine imagery dot com
YAY! I know it is only a splash page but I can tell you that is miles from where I was last week. I have concepts in my head but more importantly a bug up my ass to get this done. I must give credit to my undead pal for the fuckfantastic logo. Even though he never updates his journal he still rocks my bobby socks. I'm off to color the tresses and then snuggle my man.
YAY! I know it is only a splash page but I can tell you that is miles from where I was last week. I have concepts in my head but more importantly a bug up my ass to get this done. I must give credit to my undead pal for the fuckfantastic logo. Even though he never updates his journal he still rocks my bobby socks. I'm off to color the tresses and then snuggle my man.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Last night Johnny K and I worked on my site and I am pretty close to launching - perhaps by Friday - a few pages anyway. Even though the gallery will take a bit longer to construct, I am anxious to proceed with the initial phase of the project seeing as though it has been forever and a fucking day since I acquired the domain in the first place. There's nothing like the smell of progress to get your heart racing and your blood boiling.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Would you work only six months out of a year if:
~ If your take home salary was around 52k?
~ If your accommodations, clothes and food were paid for?
~ If you could set aside at least 20k of your earnings for retirement?
~ If you were able to use the remaining 32k to travel the six months you were not employed?
~ If you were given a credit for airfare that can be used toward the purchase of a ticket around the world with stops on three to six continents upon the completion of your contract?
Would it matter if:
~ You were required to work 54 plus hours a week?
~ If you were only allowed to take two, two-minute showers a week?
~ If there was either continuous light or continuous dark?
~ If you had to live in either a tent or you were required to stay indoors at all times?
~ If it took seven to ten days for an ambulance to reach you in the event of an emergency?
~ If the outside temperature reached negative eighty degrees?
~ If you couldn’t leave?
Those are the pros and cons of working on "the ice". Raytheon Polar Services is a company that is responsible for supporting the National Science Foundation's Antarctic Program - A national effort to learn more about Antarctic and the Southern Ocean.
If only.
For a while now I have been trying to devise a plan that would afford me the luxury of traveling extensively after the child abandons the nest. So I am sitting here pretending that I could do this. That I could talk Johnny K into joining me. That I could handle being isolated from the rest of the world in particular, my son. What an adventure though. I wonder if traveling the world six months out of the year is incentive enough to get through those long, cold, days or nights. I wonder if I could pass the psyche evaluation. Probably not so I guess it’s a moot point. Plus, penguins frighten Johnny K and I hardly want him running off, screaming like a little girl, into the vast nothingness of the arctic. He would freeze.
~ If your take home salary was around 52k?
~ If your accommodations, clothes and food were paid for?
~ If you could set aside at least 20k of your earnings for retirement?
~ If you were able to use the remaining 32k to travel the six months you were not employed?
~ If you were given a credit for airfare that can be used toward the purchase of a ticket around the world with stops on three to six continents upon the completion of your contract?
Would it matter if:
~ You were required to work 54 plus hours a week?
~ If you were only allowed to take two, two-minute showers a week?
~ If there was either continuous light or continuous dark?
~ If you had to live in either a tent or you were required to stay indoors at all times?
~ If it took seven to ten days for an ambulance to reach you in the event of an emergency?
~ If the outside temperature reached negative eighty degrees?
~ If you couldn’t leave?
Those are the pros and cons of working on "the ice". Raytheon Polar Services is a company that is responsible for supporting the National Science Foundation's Antarctic Program - A national effort to learn more about Antarctic and the Southern Ocean.
If only.
For a while now I have been trying to devise a plan that would afford me the luxury of traveling extensively after the child abandons the nest. So I am sitting here pretending that I could do this. That I could talk Johnny K into joining me. That I could handle being isolated from the rest of the world in particular, my son. What an adventure though. I wonder if traveling the world six months out of the year is incentive enough to get through those long, cold, days or nights. I wonder if I could pass the psyche evaluation. Probably not so I guess it’s a moot point. Plus, penguins frighten Johnny K and I hardly want him running off, screaming like a little girl, into the vast nothingness of the arctic. He would freeze.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
The thought of New York City minus me is depressing and I can hardly stand to read the day to day endeavors of her inhabitants. It’s all so fabulous and alluring and I am stuck in a city that pretends to be a city. A city that is slightly too small and too simple for me. Perhaps Johnny K is right. Perhaps I DO need the constant hum of momentum to keep me satiated. I adore my life however there is an unrelenting voice that reminds me to never settle for less than two dollars for the subway, however at a buck seventy-five I keep coming up short.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
I should have known better. I should have followed my gut instinct and kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself rather than inflicting them on an unwilling recipient who knows virtually nothing of me. Who gives a shit what a stranger has to say anyway? Its not like we are conditioned to heed the advice of an outsider whose ignorance of history and circumstance render them practically retarded. I have lived with myself long enough to know not to second guess my first impulse. Perhaps I will know better next time. My filter is slight and my honesty is often as subtle as a tidal wave. I am often the beneficiary of side way glances and, “who the fuck are you” attitudes. You either love me or hate me, find me endearing or annoying. I have accepted this about myself, but….
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Yesterday after finding two jobs that I was interested in applying for, I immediately started deleting personal email from my work account and digging through my computre’ trying to find rogue non-work related files and images. I then spent my evening ignoring my kid so I could concentrate on composing ONE damn fine cover letter and tweaking my resume for delivery this morning. And so I sit wondering why in the hell this guy hasn’t contacted me yet. I mean really, it has been just over four hours and nothing. I really do try to keep my arrogance wrangled as I am usually the only one has to suffer at the hand of old mother humble. I can assure you that being perfect is a burden sometimes.
Change is frightening but it is time I light a fire under my ass and embark on a new journey. I waiver and wonder if my career is the right place to start making those changes but after six years I know it is the right decision. Yesterday it became quite apparent to me that I have been running in place for the past couple of years and running in place is what I will continue to do if I remain on this path. It scared me to think that in four short years it will be my ten-year anniversary and to me that is the point of no return. Four years will come to pass sooner than I think and I will sit on the other side of regret wondering what my accomplishments are and if it was worth it.
Stay tuned for more details.
Change is frightening but it is time I light a fire under my ass and embark on a new journey. I waiver and wonder if my career is the right place to start making those changes but after six years I know it is the right decision. Yesterday it became quite apparent to me that I have been running in place for the past couple of years and running in place is what I will continue to do if I remain on this path. It scared me to think that in four short years it will be my ten-year anniversary and to me that is the point of no return. Four years will come to pass sooner than I think and I will sit on the other side of regret wondering what my accomplishments are and if it was worth it.
Stay tuned for more details.
