Friday, April 30, 2004
My latest obsession. All it took was one documentary on Chinese foot binding to spawn my latest fascination.
I have recently come to the realization that I would have dedicated my life to becoming a Geisha had circumstances been different. I realize that the profession has been romanticized by the book Memoirs of a Geisha, similar to what Pretty Woman did for prostitution, however I do not think that is the case in my situation. Although I am only a quarter Japanese, it is the ethnicity in me that I identify with the most. There is no reasoning to my madness, it is more or less a feeling inside. Sometimes I wonder where my biological sperm donor is. It is his seed where I derive my Asian heritage from. He was not an upstanding member of society and may very well be in prison or dead. I suppose I could find out the information from my biological egg donor (I once knew but have forgotten) but I have pretty much shunned the woman and do not feel quite right asking her for information on this man. One, I think it would crush her and two, I am afraid it would renew her waning determination of trying to contact me. There is much more on the adoption issue which will have to be for another time.
Oh, but please buy me lotus shoes. Thank you very much g'night.
I have recently come to the realization that I would have dedicated my life to becoming a Geisha had circumstances been different. I realize that the profession has been romanticized by the book Memoirs of a Geisha, similar to what Pretty Woman did for prostitution, however I do not think that is the case in my situation. Although I am only a quarter Japanese, it is the ethnicity in me that I identify with the most. There is no reasoning to my madness, it is more or less a feeling inside. Sometimes I wonder where my biological sperm donor is. It is his seed where I derive my Asian heritage from. He was not an upstanding member of society and may very well be in prison or dead. I suppose I could find out the information from my biological egg donor (I once knew but have forgotten) but I have pretty much shunned the woman and do not feel quite right asking her for information on this man. One, I think it would crush her and two, I am afraid it would renew her waning determination of trying to contact me. There is much more on the adoption issue which will have to be for another time.
Oh, but please buy me lotus shoes. Thank you very much g'night.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Have you ever heard of The Body Farm? I found this to be immensly intriguing. I was greatly disappointed when I discovered I could not donate my body to them.
It's Tuesday and I started drinking at 4:30 PM if that is any indication of how my day has been. If tomorrow is a quarter better than today I will in much better shape. That which does not kill us makes us fucking bitter and toxic. I am 50% piss and 50% vinegar. I am spitting razors and bathing in spite. I hate and I seethe and I am plotting death and annihilation as I type. The calculated act of inflicting copious amounts of pain and torment is beautiful to me but I am hoping the dull hum of drunk will take effect sooner than later. Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. Eat my bloody pussy you stupid retarded dog fucking fag. Eat shit you fucking fucktard cock bitch. I HATE YOU!!!!!
Monday, April 26, 2004
I often wonder where my cynicism hails from. Is it from my inability to believe in people or does it stem from somewhere in New Jersey? When people call me a pessimist I correct them and inform them that a more accurate description would be that of a realist. Is it sad that my opinion of the human race is equivalent to that of a port-o-let or are my opinions supported by the degradation of society? From time to time I try on a Pollyanna point of view for shits and giggles but the inevitable always happens and I am left standing there looking like a retarded asshole and feeling about as big as a dick in cold water. A feeling and a look I am not particularly fond of.
And why is my propensity to be audacious and brusque annoying and offensive but refreshing and endearing in others?
And why is my propensity to be audacious and brusque annoying and offensive but refreshing and endearing in others?
Friday, April 23, 2004
Please excuse the gloating, the bragging and the wallowing. You will have to bear with me while I publicly revel in the fanfuckingtastic news, but news such as this should hardly be kept to oneself.
Johnny K and I will be sitting sixth row DEAD FUCKING CENTER for the sold out Pixies show at the Fabulous Fox theatre in October. For concert seating, the Fox sets up five rows on top of the Orchestra pit, then there is the isle and then there will be us, sitting in section Orch Center, Row A, Seats 107 and 108.
Glory be to the highest!
Johnny K and I will be sitting sixth row DEAD FUCKING CENTER for the sold out Pixies show at the Fabulous Fox theatre in October. For concert seating, the Fox sets up five rows on top of the Orchestra pit, then there is the isle and then there will be us, sitting in section Orch Center, Row A, Seats 107 and 108.
Glory be to the highest!
Thursday, April 22, 2004
You will have to forgive me if this is bogus but I have done the required snopes search to which I found nothing. If this story happens to be fabricated, in the very least it is interesting and makes for a good slumber party ghost story.
The dibbuk or dybbuk represents an evil spirit or doomed soul that enters that of a living being, clings to the soul of the host, creating the classic symptoms of a possession. Read about a box that was sold on eBay that is now the center of some strange and unexplainable happenings since it was opened.
The dibbuk or dybbuk represents an evil spirit or doomed soul that enters that of a living being, clings to the soul of the host, creating the classic symptoms of a possession. Read about a box that was sold on eBay that is now the center of some strange and unexplainable happenings since it was opened.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Given no other choice I would bareback fuck a porn star or a hooker in Vegas before doing the same with a young, good looking, single guy who frequents the bar/club scene. I feel confident in saying that the average young, good looking single guy typically makes decisions when it comes to casual sex based on, 1. Availability 2. How aesthetically pleasing the female is and 3. How hard his cock gets at the thought of insertion. A semi is a good thing. Any smart female would never in a million years have casual unprotected sex and those who do, suffice it to say, are not the most responsible gals on the planet and I cannot imagine they get themselves tested regularly. I also think it is safe to say that almost any fella would opt to feel the warmth, moist goodness of a female's sex rather than have the buffer of a condom regardless of whether or not he knows if a woman is sexually healthy. Hell, I hate condom fucking.
Now, this is not me standing atop my high horse on the tips of my toes preaching safe sex. I am not one to lecture for a myriad of reasons but the most prevalent of those reasons is the fact that I myself was once a sexual deviant. Back in the day I was called every name in the book and quite honestly I earned those titles fair and square. I was safe about 2% of the time and then it was because the guy insisted upon it. If I wanted to fuck I would fuck and nothing stopped me from my main objective. I have since gone back and analyzed my behavior but that is another conversation for another time. My point to this diatribe is not to delve into the sexual recklessness of my past but rather to illustrate that the single scene is a cesspool of indiscretion. In the quest to find love, the act of sex is a given. MOST women will do whatever it takes to land that special anyone in the hopes of finding true love and a ring and more times than not, unprotected sex is just a byproduct of it all. You are stupid if you think otherwise.
At times it sucks being right. I called this promptly after the hysteria ensued. I knew the fucking government couldn't keep their righteous claws out of this "scandal" and they would waste no time in "moralizing" the industry.
The HIV outbreak in the San Fernando Valley-based adult film industry last week raised concerns about risky sex practices to an unprecedented level among performers, producers and health experts with some advocating the need for government regulation.
What about the "risky sex practices" that most lay people involve themselves in. The reason HIV is still an issue is because of the fact that not everyone makes it a policy to have protected vaginal, anal and oral sex at ALL times. I cannot even begin to articulate how ridiculous this is. Is the government going to require female performers to wear latex gloves when fisting another female performer? Is every male performer going to have to slip a pigskin over their tongue whenever they are orally pleasing a woman on camera? How much more regulated can the industry be? If we are not smart enough to have protected sex then we run the risk of contracting a potentially life threatening disease. WE KNOW THIS JUST LIKE WE KNOW SMOKING IS BAD FOR US. For everyone who has a communicable disease, perhaps what we need to do to ensure the public's safety is publish their names and photos. Better yet, lets tattoo a scarlet "D" for "Diseased" on their foreheads so we can put little to no effort in keeping ourselves safe. Until we start taking responsibility for our own actions, radical solutions such as those is the ONLY way to guarantee we will not be physically, mentally or morally violated.
The porn industry is not to blame for any of this. They have gone above and beyond what was necessary to protect their employees, even though they were not obligated to. The problem lies with the rest of the world who do NOT regulate their own lives. We are frivolous with ourselves and blame everyone else for the consequences we face. Let's instead regulate stupidity. Let's base our policies and procedures on a concept called, survivor of the fittest and those of us who know better can sit back and watch what happens to the ignorant fucks who inevitably ruin it for the rest of us.
Now, this is not me standing atop my high horse on the tips of my toes preaching safe sex. I am not one to lecture for a myriad of reasons but the most prevalent of those reasons is the fact that I myself was once a sexual deviant. Back in the day I was called every name in the book and quite honestly I earned those titles fair and square. I was safe about 2% of the time and then it was because the guy insisted upon it. If I wanted to fuck I would fuck and nothing stopped me from my main objective. I have since gone back and analyzed my behavior but that is another conversation for another time. My point to this diatribe is not to delve into the sexual recklessness of my past but rather to illustrate that the single scene is a cesspool of indiscretion. In the quest to find love, the act of sex is a given. MOST women will do whatever it takes to land that special anyone in the hopes of finding true love and a ring and more times than not, unprotected sex is just a byproduct of it all. You are stupid if you think otherwise.
At times it sucks being right. I called this promptly after the hysteria ensued. I knew the fucking government couldn't keep their righteous claws out of this "scandal" and they would waste no time in "moralizing" the industry.
The HIV outbreak in the San Fernando Valley-based adult film industry last week raised concerns about risky sex practices to an unprecedented level among performers, producers and health experts with some advocating the need for government regulation.
What about the "risky sex practices" that most lay people involve themselves in. The reason HIV is still an issue is because of the fact that not everyone makes it a policy to have protected vaginal, anal and oral sex at ALL times. I cannot even begin to articulate how ridiculous this is. Is the government going to require female performers to wear latex gloves when fisting another female performer? Is every male performer going to have to slip a pigskin over their tongue whenever they are orally pleasing a woman on camera? How much more regulated can the industry be? If we are not smart enough to have protected sex then we run the risk of contracting a potentially life threatening disease. WE KNOW THIS JUST LIKE WE KNOW SMOKING IS BAD FOR US. For everyone who has a communicable disease, perhaps what we need to do to ensure the public's safety is publish their names and photos. Better yet, lets tattoo a scarlet "D" for "Diseased" on their foreheads so we can put little to no effort in keeping ourselves safe. Until we start taking responsibility for our own actions, radical solutions such as those is the ONLY way to guarantee we will not be physically, mentally or morally violated.
The porn industry is not to blame for any of this. They have gone above and beyond what was necessary to protect their employees, even though they were not obligated to. The problem lies with the rest of the world who do NOT regulate their own lives. We are frivolous with ourselves and blame everyone else for the consequences we face. Let's instead regulate stupidity. Let's base our policies and procedures on a concept called, survivor of the fittest and those of us who know better can sit back and watch what happens to the ignorant fucks who inevitably ruin it for the rest of us.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Go now go!
Every teen and every parent should sit and watch the prematurely aborted series as so many issues would be resolved in a relatively short period of time. The music to the opening credits still inspires a lump in my throat and I am still in total love with Jordan Catalano. Patty is such a bitch and I hope that I am never as evil as her. No wonder Angela hates her mother.
Johnny K and the self proclaimed screamin demon decided to stay behind while I am babysitting my nephew. I was going to shoot some self portraits, I even brought some costumes with me but my motivation is waning. Isnt that the story of my so called life.
Anyway...She is a TOTAL cunt!
Every teen and every parent should sit and watch the prematurely aborted series as so many issues would be resolved in a relatively short period of time. The music to the opening credits still inspires a lump in my throat and I am still in total love with Jordan Catalano. Patty is such a bitch and I hope that I am never as evil as her. No wonder Angela hates her mother.
Johnny K and the self proclaimed screamin demon decided to stay behind while I am babysitting my nephew. I was going to shoot some self portraits, I even brought some costumes with me but my motivation is waning. Isnt that the story of my so called life.
Anyway...She is a TOTAL cunt!
Thursday, April 15, 2004
I love my child more than the breath I take each day and if I could go back in time, I would not change one instance in my life, not one. But for the life of me I have am having a difficult time understanding why NOT raising a child is something that most cannot conceive of. Why is it that children are our future*? I honestly cannot fathom why it is a necessity for most. Is it because we use our children as a conduit to essentially roll back the clock and mend the mistakes we made as young children and adults? Why upset the balance? It’s almost like having a nice car but wanting to trade it in for the bigger better model. Are children our showpieces? Something to parade in front our neighbors? A way to prove to the Jones’ that we too can create and raise a human being just as they are? In part I blame society for drilling into our heads that children is the natural progression of where our lives should reach. If we dig deep and dig hard what would our true motives be for wanting children? I won’t even begin to get into having the desire to procreate more than once. That is an entirely different post all together.
Perhaps my inability to understand was thwarted by spending the majority of my week with children other than my own. I am just not sure if I would feel less than whole if I never had the chance to know my own child and if I did what could I honestly say was my reasoning.
*I think that robots would be better suited for this position, particularly the awesome-o 4000.
Perhaps my inability to understand was thwarted by spending the majority of my week with children other than my own. I am just not sure if I would feel less than whole if I never had the chance to know my own child and if I did what could I honestly say was my reasoning.
*I think that robots would be better suited for this position, particularly the awesome-o 4000.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
The popular opinion is not always the CORRECT opinion.
After careful deliberation I have decided that there is a such thing as a correct and incorrect opinion. For example, if your view of a particular person is such that you feel that they are a truly wonderful gem of a human however, during their off time they torture bunnies and eat small children, your opinion of that person is wrong. It can be difficult to be objective when we have formed an idea about a something because we all want our opinions to be in alignment the correct and/or popular ones. I am not above this humanistic quark however much aware of it I am. I actually understand and sympathize with it completely. I also realize that me being the one attracting attention to the unpopular truth is probably just my way of standing up after stumbling over my own two feet saying, "Hey look at me! Did you all see me fall? Gah, I am such a clutz!" Everyone is more than entitled to their own opinions, nevertheless we are NOT excused from attempting, be it in vain or not, to see our neighbors point of view
After careful deliberation I have decided that there is a such thing as a correct and incorrect opinion. For example, if your view of a particular person is such that you feel that they are a truly wonderful gem of a human however, during their off time they torture bunnies and eat small children, your opinion of that person is wrong. It can be difficult to be objective when we have formed an idea about a something because we all want our opinions to be in alignment the correct and/or popular ones. I am not above this humanistic quark however much aware of it I am. I actually understand and sympathize with it completely. I also realize that me being the one attracting attention to the unpopular truth is probably just my way of standing up after stumbling over my own two feet saying, "Hey look at me! Did you all see me fall? Gah, I am such a clutz!" Everyone is more than entitled to their own opinions, nevertheless we are NOT excused from attempting, be it in vain or not, to see our neighbors point of view
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
I am exhausted to the point that I am literally having a difficult time holding my pen and sitting without a drunken lean to the left. I can barely keep my eyes open as though my lids have anvils resting heavily upon them and I keep nodding off because, silly me, excel spreadsheets just don’t hold my interest as they once did. At this point I believe that even if I were to inject dark roast directly into my veins would it satisfy my need for rem sleep. I cant imagine that I received adequate rest the duration of my vacation. Sleeping on an air mattress that deflated ever so much each night is just not conducive to a good night’s slumber.
I often wonder what people see when they look at Johnny K and I, what their perception of us is and what type of psychoanalysis they offer up in regards to our relationship. Outside looking in I can totally see that cockeyed point of view that a lot of people may have of us. It’s not that I care in the very least rather I wonder if they are able to look past the independence to see the deep devotion, love, friendship and genuine happiness that we have created for ourselves. As fucked and twisted as things have been for us in the past, the present has never been so lucid. The analyzation, the wonder, the judgement and the fear have all been laid to rest and nothing remains but the truth. It is the truth, more times than not, that scares the bejesus out of people to the point they trawl for the imperfections in others as a means of justification for their own skewed life. Most people portray perfection however if you peer beneath the surface you will find the rotting flesh of a sick relationship.
Don’t ask me. It was merely an observation.
I often wonder what people see when they look at Johnny K and I, what their perception of us is and what type of psychoanalysis they offer up in regards to our relationship. Outside looking in I can totally see that cockeyed point of view that a lot of people may have of us. It’s not that I care in the very least rather I wonder if they are able to look past the independence to see the deep devotion, love, friendship and genuine happiness that we have created for ourselves. As fucked and twisted as things have been for us in the past, the present has never been so lucid. The analyzation, the wonder, the judgement and the fear have all been laid to rest and nothing remains but the truth. It is the truth, more times than not, that scares the bejesus out of people to the point they trawl for the imperfections in others as a means of justification for their own skewed life. Most people portray perfection however if you peer beneath the surface you will find the rotting flesh of a sick relationship.
Don’t ask me. It was merely an observation.
Monday, April 12, 2004
The pictures are up and I have to say that I am very satisfied from a photographers point of view but really, how can you screw up pure beauty? I am still taking pictures on the manual settings and feel that I am finally starting to get the hang of it. I am still stupid retarded but not as much as before. Anyway, if you are interested in viewing the images please send me an email and I will send you the link.
L.A. was fabulous however I am tired and feeling not so hot. At the very least I now have a very sexy Joey Lauren Adams voice thanks to this sore throat I am sporting so if anyone is interested in hot steamy phone sex please give me a ring.
Joshua Tree was incredible and I encourage everyone to visit. The silence was eerie and spiritual all in the same breath. While standing in the middle of the desert with thousands of contorted trees surrounding me, I often found myself thinking of the explorer’s who first founded this land and wondered how frightening it must have been for them. Perhaps it is inconceivable for us to imagine setting off into the vast nothingness with little trepidation since we are constantly surrounded by noise and movement. I was in awe as I had never before seen anything quite like it. I can’t wait to see the pictures.
We lost our good parent card by letting our son swim in the freezing cold Pacific. He was dead set on doing so and who are we to say no to an anxious child. We built a fire on the beach that evening and roasted hot dogs and made s’mores. Here on the East Coast you would find yourself in the clinker if you indulged in a fire on our sandy shores so it was a treat and a half to be able to do so.
Melrose sucked as I must not be progressive enough to embrace the fashions that saturated every boutique on every block of the famous street. I realized that I am not one who cares for the day glo, wake me up before you go go, styles of the 80’s and was rather disappointed that I insisted we spend an afternoon there. The saving grace of the day was going to West Coast Choppers even though my unbeknownst to him boyfriend wasn’t there.
Here are a few things I brought back from my vacation:
- An extreme distaste for other children ESPECIALLY little girls. The whiny, needy cries of a little girl makes me want to tear out a rib so I can puncture my eardrums into silence. God they are fucking annoying.
- An extreme appreciation for my son. He is fabulous and when I compare him to most other children he makes me smile. I am constantly impressed by him and his unique ways and I am lucky that he not a complete asshole like most kids.
- Two different bottles of liqueur that I cannot get in Georgia.
- A jealousy of the large number of hot rods and rockabilly boys in the metro Los Angeles area. It is simply not fair that So Cal gets so many of both and I really feel like they need to share the wealth so the goodies are spread a little more evenly. How can a girl function monogamously with all that hot tattooed goodness around?
- A tremendous fondness for my friend jinx. I am so happy that I finally got to meet her and cannot wait to see her again. The only downfall to that is now I miss her and her minxie ways. She is beautiful, witty, intelligent and humorous all rolled up into this tiny spastic package. I cannot even begin to articulate just how wonderful she is.
- I never in my wildest dreams though that I could love two people more than I already did but alas it has happened, however in my return I left behind a small piece of my heart that belongs to a couple of swell gals. S- and J- are two of the most spectacular broads a girl could know and I am honored to be able to call them my friends.
I am hoping to upload some of the 600 plus pictures that I took while I was out there but it will be a slow process at best.
Joshua Tree was incredible and I encourage everyone to visit. The silence was eerie and spiritual all in the same breath. While standing in the middle of the desert with thousands of contorted trees surrounding me, I often found myself thinking of the explorer’s who first founded this land and wondered how frightening it must have been for them. Perhaps it is inconceivable for us to imagine setting off into the vast nothingness with little trepidation since we are constantly surrounded by noise and movement. I was in awe as I had never before seen anything quite like it. I can’t wait to see the pictures.
We lost our good parent card by letting our son swim in the freezing cold Pacific. He was dead set on doing so and who are we to say no to an anxious child. We built a fire on the beach that evening and roasted hot dogs and made s’mores. Here on the East Coast you would find yourself in the clinker if you indulged in a fire on our sandy shores so it was a treat and a half to be able to do so.
Melrose sucked as I must not be progressive enough to embrace the fashions that saturated every boutique on every block of the famous street. I realized that I am not one who cares for the day glo, wake me up before you go go, styles of the 80’s and was rather disappointed that I insisted we spend an afternoon there. The saving grace of the day was going to West Coast Choppers even though my unbeknownst to him boyfriend wasn’t there.
Here are a few things I brought back from my vacation:
- An extreme distaste for other children ESPECIALLY little girls. The whiny, needy cries of a little girl makes me want to tear out a rib so I can puncture my eardrums into silence. God they are fucking annoying.
- An extreme appreciation for my son. He is fabulous and when I compare him to most other children he makes me smile. I am constantly impressed by him and his unique ways and I am lucky that he not a complete asshole like most kids.
- Two different bottles of liqueur that I cannot get in Georgia.
- A jealousy of the large number of hot rods and rockabilly boys in the metro Los Angeles area. It is simply not fair that So Cal gets so many of both and I really feel like they need to share the wealth so the goodies are spread a little more evenly. How can a girl function monogamously with all that hot tattooed goodness around?
- A tremendous fondness for my friend jinx. I am so happy that I finally got to meet her and cannot wait to see her again. The only downfall to that is now I miss her and her minxie ways. She is beautiful, witty, intelligent and humorous all rolled up into this tiny spastic package. I cannot even begin to articulate just how wonderful she is.
- I never in my wildest dreams though that I could love two people more than I already did but alas it has happened, however in my return I left behind a small piece of my heart that belongs to a couple of swell gals. S- and J- are two of the most spectacular broads a girl could know and I am honored to be able to call them my friends.
I am hoping to upload some of the 600 plus pictures that I took while I was out there but it will be a slow process at best.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
This is perhaps one of the most chilling, poignant, fascinating and sobering websites that I have ever visited . Half of me is on a plane to Russia with my camera in tow and balls the size of sheep and the other half is breaking into the science lab at the high school to take a chemical shower. Johnny K is right though, I DO want to go. Just as I long to explore the haunted halls of an insane asylum even though I have a difficult time even watching movies and television shows with nut houses in them. I want to spend many hours in the dead zone crying at the ghastliness of it all while snapping photo after photo. It's almost like driving past a horrible car accident and not being able to take your eyes off the decapitated body the coroner has yet to cover. I think it is human nature to be fascinated by death and destruction. Perhaps it because it makes the horrible happenings in our lives seem a little less grim.
